Dec 2, 2013

So I canceled my date with my GF because my ex came into town. The ex moved away due to a family illness a year ago and we broke up then, so I felt the need to say goodbye to her in person. What can I do/say to show her I don't care for my ex and that I love her? P.S I do love the current GF, I even ask her to marry me from time to time, she just sais give her another 6 months then ask again...

Well, as a well-known giver of relationship I’d say that you should buy a pirate ship say,”hey baby, the sea is calling.” Then shove off while she cries and waves a hanky. You just stare at her wistfully while your crew raises the sails. You’ll disappear over the horizon and she will realize she has made a huge mistake.

Cut to two years later, you return to port with your treasure that you’ve stolen on the high seas. You’re a new man. Cold. Hard. Your skin is like leather from the sun. You have some new scars from quelling an attempted mutiny on your ship.

You look up as you dock your boat. She’s there, looking just as beautiful as the day you left. “I haven’t left. I’ve waited for you every day since you left.”

You don’t say a word as you step off your ship into the dock. You approach her, staring into her eyes. Your lips are mere centimeters from hers.

A tear falls down her cheek.

You grab her by the waist and begin to whisper:

"I boned all the mermaids. All of them."

Then you walk away to the end of the dock and dive into the water. Mermaids swim to meet you and you make out with all of them. They are topless of course because they are mermaids. It’s actually a pretty gross display of public nudity. Really unsettling because, I mean, mermaids are part fish. Is this bestiality?

Who knows, man. Not me.

via Tumblr

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